my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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