She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize