The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
