just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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