instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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