remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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