I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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