The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
