You made me cry and you don't even care
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
