In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
