I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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