I showed him my bush... on skype.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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