You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
