I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
