i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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