its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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