Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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