For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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