I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
