I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
