two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
