I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize
