someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I deserve this hangover.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
