i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize