you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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