so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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