I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
