Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
