I met the friendliest cop last night
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Randomize
