wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
