Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
