I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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