If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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