I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
