this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
