I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
