Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
