It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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