In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
