Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
