my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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