I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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