apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
he fucked my hip out of place.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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