all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Be still, my beating vagina.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
