I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
