can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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