yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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