well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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