Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
