Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
