everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
