I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Randomize