You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
