My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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